Won’t talk big. Will only express what I have felt over the last two years and nine months as a mother to be and a mother.
The journey of motherhood begins with the news of the baby to be born being broken. I embarked on this journey in the summer of 2008.
I remember having shared my pains with the unborn baby and can clearly recall how soothed I felt. It felt like sharing my heartaches to my closest confidant. It felt like having someone by your side all the time.
Practically I never felt lonely.
On 20th March, 2009 at 11.27 am, the doctor announced that I had a girl. For me – my best friend had arrived. Cannot forget the eagerness to hold her in my arms and see her. When I got her after two hours , tears didnt seem to stop rolling down my cheeks. I had that little part of me in my arm.She had amazingly cute hands, feet, eyes. Pihu had come.
My first feeling was that I need to protect her from the world. The feeling of unintentionally hurting my own baby had kept me unnerved all the time
I felt that she was most vulnerable and has threat from even a speck of dust.
Others might have called me panicky and paranoid, but I knew that I was only being protective towards her, which is an inherent motherly instinct.
I remember when Pihu was a month old and a spoon of warm milk fell on her while feeding, I cursed myself for being negligent and could not stop crying.
It is strange but true that mothers are built differently. I wake up several times through the night to check whether my baby is sufficiently comfortable, has wet the bed or not etc.
There has been an instance when she was fed only half an hour ago and she started crying again. All felt she needed a stroll or some play. I knew she was hungry and she indeed was. After being fed, she was cheerful again. No credits for being like that. All mothers are the same.
There have been moments when I have wept profusely seeing pihu’s innocent face while she was deep asleep. Why tears? I was under the grip of a strange feeling. I felt like protecting her from all odds. Prayed to the almighty to do the impossible – asked him to never bring any situation in her life that would make her cry.
Last five months have been a test of time for me and my little one. I cannot explain the pain I have gone through while leaving Pihu in the hands of a stranger. it is no less than an emotional strife.
Her security is a concern, but the bigger concern is the emotional low that she may have definitely experienced given that none of us was around her .
She may not have voiced it but I have seen it in her expressive eyes. I will always remain in guilt for not being able to do anything to improve that aspect.
The best way that I have found to deal with the pain is to forcibly explain to myself that I am lucky to find a great nanny and pihu is looked after, that I am setting a brilliant role model etc.
I write letters to Pihu in a red diary. There I have tried to explain why I leave her to a nanny and don’t stay back at home for her. I am sure she will understand.
I am only a mother, a weak mother, a strong mother and blend of both.
Note: This piece has been written by my twin, Sonika Bakshi, who has been a journalist for the last 8 years; has worked with news channels like NDTV and Times Now as Sr Correspondent. She now works with Microsoft’s Corp Com department.